I am going back out on the field soon and I still need more funding. I’m selling shirts. They say “peace.” And that may seem basic. Simple. Common. Almost predictable. But to me it’s not. To me it’s hope. Security. Joy. A place to rest my head.
One misconception that I think a lot of people have about the Race is that it is all just sunshine and roses. You get to travel and see all these amazing places and meet incredible people and eat all this outstanding food! What a dream! And while this is true, it isn’t a nine month vacation. It is nine months of life just moved to a different backdrop. And with that follow all of life’s fun victories and all of life’s problems. For me, there were seasons of great boldness, discovery, and enjoyment. But often I would find myself battling self-insecurity, depression, and anxiety. Yep. But unlike any time I struggled with this in the past, I had a deeper, closer, more intimate relationship with God. The Holy Spirit used these seasons to bring something out of me. To dig my heels a little deeper. Peace.
Since day one, people told me, “Philip, you’re a man of peace. Philip, when you walk in the room a wave of peace follows you. Philip, when I’m near you I feel like I can just relax.” And for months I smiled and nodded and said, “Thank you.” But I didn’t accept it. I couldn’t understand it. How? How do I bring peace? Cause I’m quiet? Were people mistaking my lack of extreme external emotion as having peace? And as I investigated I found the answer to be no. I actually brought people peace. It was the Holy Spirit within me. And with this I started to become frustrated.
“Julia said I have a peace about me. My soul does not feel peace. I feel like God gave me the words to say and now people hear them. But in that I feel like God doesn’t hear me. Yet He speaks to me so much! I feel His arms around me. Yet I don’t see what He is doing; but, I know He is doing it.” -writings from my journal. January 2019. Guatemala
“Aidyn called me a man of peace– another person on a long list who all agree. Why then do I not feel it? Why is it that I have so much peace outwardly, but inwardly I am at intense war? I feel distant from God, others, and myself. How can I give away the things that I don’t have? I am confused. I am conflicted.” -April 2019. Cambodia
I apologize if I am bumming you out, but take heart because this is where it gets good!
I was in Thailand at the end of the Race when something happened. The worst anxiety attack I have ever had. It came out of nowhere. No idea what triggered it, but immediately, I left the restaurant and ran back to my room at the near-bye hostel. After receiving prayer from my teammates, I layed down in my bed. I struggled to put my headphones into my phone because of how much my hands were shaking. Then I pulled myself under the covers and cried out to God. “God, what is wrong? What is there within my spirit that I need to let go to align more with you?” Philip. “Is there someone I need to forgive? Is there a sin that I haven’t repented of?” Philip. “What do I need to do? What is wrong? God why won’t You help me?!?” PHILIP! There is nothing that I want you to DO. That’s the problem. You don’t have peace because you don’t have me. I just want to be with you. I do not need you to do anything.
And in that moment God revealed something to me. I was not looking to God to get God. I was looking to God to get peace. I was using Him for His stuff. I wasn’t loving Him for who He is. “God, I do not feel peace so can you give me some?” Instead, it should have been: “God, I do not feel peace. Can I just be with you right now? Will you come hold me and comfort me?” and when my heart changed then I felt something. When I put my eyes on him, I stopped sinking. The storm around me was the now distant and it was Jesus who was near. Peace Himself was near.
“Thank Him for this season of life. It was the greatest harvest. I’m praying for you to have peace beyond your soul’s capacity.” -March 2019.
And lastly, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE listen to this song. It is so good. “Running in Circles” by United Pursuit.
“I’m so forgetful, but You always remind me. You’re the only one who brings me peace.”
Thanks for reading. I hope this encouraged you. If you have any questions please ask away.
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so good
loved this. thank you for stepping out in vulnerability. you have so much to share in this world, phil!
Great stuff. Simply abide, rest, seek God. So glad you heard His voice and choice to seek Him.
philip this is so good. thank you for this, you’ve help realign me.
Dude… this encouraged me so much, you have no idea. Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing so openly, it’s about to help so many people.
Ah yes Philip. Indeed the Lord is teaching you. We are a “do-ing” people! Do, do, do, we always desire to be “doing” something. He Is teaching you how to just “be” Philip , BE still and KNOW He is God. It may seem simple, but it is a great task indeed. I am blessed to have met you this summer, while you were visiting your family up here in Indiana, Philip, what a vessel for His light you are! Blessings to you this night??
man of peace. yes. it’s a banner over your life and an anthem in your heart.
“God, I do not feel peace so can you give me some?” Instead, it should have been: “God, I do not feel peace. Can I just be with you right now? Will you come hold me and comfort me?”
Wow, this is so good! It is so cool seeing you grow and hear the Lord’s voice. I’m so excited to see you go out and lead!
Love you bro. 🙂