Do You Really Need Prayer or Truth?

I’m currently reflecting on my time in Jordan and some of the spiritual journey that I have been on this year. Partly, I’m writing this because I need to get my thoughts out and my hand cannot write fast enough. To be clear, this is not my experience of the country or ministry but rather what was happening in my heart during this month. Holy Spirit, speak to me as I write and work through me to reveal your divine nature. 

My experience earlier this year consisted of me pulling away from the Body, submitting to insecurity, and believing that all the pain of life was just going to stay forever. I was in a constant state of trying to keep everything under control: my emotions, my relationships, my intimacy with God. But the more I tried to hold onto what wasn’t mine to control, it got too heavy. It hurt to minister because I didn’t believe what I was saying on most days. I felt ashamed for putting on a façade. I felt ashamed that I was ashamed. Constantly, I asked people to pray for me. Until I received some difficult feedback about how my actions were hurting the people around me, nothing changed. It took me having to come face-to-face with my weakness to be held. I was met by Jesus’ unfailing love. I resubmitted to His Truth. And everything clicked. My joy returned. I remembered that it was in His strength that I walk, and that anything that can be shaken will be shaken. I realized I had built my foundation on the shifting sands of my own capabilities, not on faith in God’s sovereignty.

Today, this whole experience has me thinking. Did I need prayer or truth? Both definitely, but for so long I prayed and prayed with no “result.” However, I don’t think that prayer was ever meant to be the full remedy to my struggle. Prayer does not set you free, the truth does.

“So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, ‘If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.’” -John 8:31-32 

It was when I came into alignment with the word that the Lord wanted to say to me that I found freedom. It was at the remembrance of how Jesus overcame the world and nothing can stand against Him. The safest and most fulfilling place to be is at His right hand where there are riches forevermore. It took a perspective change. 

“Jesus, I want to be a true disciple!! My desire is to abide in your word and I repent for trusting in my own thoughts and circumstances more than in what you’ve said and done.”

At the moment my heart was in a posture of rest, simply sojourning under the yoke that is easy and light, my prayers came back to life. Beforehand, my prayers were for me and my selfish desire to receive peace and keep control. But no man can serve two masters. I cannot submit to God’s eternal shalom and still rule my own kingdom.

(And when I say “rule my own kingdom,” I really was just choosing to submit to how life was happening to me. There wasn’t much ownership or stewardship being walked out haha. I do want to be kind to myself because I was truly hurting and gasping for air. We don’t always think clearly in the face of perceived trauma, but we seek “safety” or “security.” The problem was that I forgot that I am safe in the arms of the Father even in the face of evil. I chose to give into “flight/fight/freeze” when I took my eyes off of Jesus to look at the waves. Looking at the waves is very tempting. Thankfully, Jesus meets us with grace and new mercy.)

During this time, I wanted prayer to feel good, not to hear truth and be encouraged in my inner being. I sought after prayers hoping to null the hurt. Yet on the contrary, our prayers should not be a means of escaping evil but drawing near to Him who has the light. They should flow from our desire to have personal revelation of the face of the Father. We seek this in different ways at different times. Some days we need His presence, others His power, and on another His provision. Undoubtedly, the ultimate motivation of our prayers should be to come into His holy presence with joy knowing we get to commune with Him. We get to be conformed to His image not simply for our own benefit but for the fact that He deserves to be glorified through our lives. His creation was meant to give glory to Him and that is where our souls are most glad.

Moral of the story is, if you feel as though your prayers are falling on God’s deaf ears, maybe you need to walk in repentance. Your prayers might not be after the heart of God. Trust me, life His way is much more full and much more satisfying than anything you could curate for yourself. And if you do not know where to repent, start by walking in gratitude. Take notice of the present blessings we are prone to often neglect. And then abide in His word.